The Return

The whole world opens up to you. You spend time experiencing new ways of life and figuring out who it is that you truly want to be. In such a short time you become a whole new person. You know what it means to fit in and be a part of something bigger than yourself.

Then you come back. You squeeze back into a life that feels too small and the world seems far away. The things you use to enjoy doing seem pointless. Friends you use to love seem far away. You feel like a shadow in your own life, constantly playing catch up. That’s what I felt like when I returned “home” to the United States. For eighteen years I had been lost but I didn’t know that. I spent those eighteen years on the wrong page, with a weight on my shoulders. In one month in Italy the weight was gone and I was instep with the world. I cannot truly describe how amazing that felt, to be on the right page. When I came back I realized that I had to work to feel that good in a place that was supposed to be my home. I had to spend time working through things to feel even a little of what I felt in Europe. A lot of people go through this. When you spend time abroad you realize the faults in your own culture and find things to love in other cultures. I found myself adopting parts of Italian culture and rejecting parts of my American culture. I didn’t feel at home in America anymore.

I struggled to fit in and pushed away people that had been my friends. In a lot of ways, I felt alone. I wish that this was a rare experience but I find most people struggle fitting in when they come back home. Maybe it’s simply because they have a new home or that they outgrew their life. The hardest part is not letting those feelings overcome you. You have to work to find your place in your life and it can be hard. It can be incredibly hard. You have to bridge the self you were with the self you are and that takes time. It takes time to accept all of the parts of yourself. Once you do that everything will fall into place. It took me months to be myself again and maybe it will take you awhile too. Whether you adjust quickly or never really can, it’s just important that you’re accepting you. Once I decided to be myself I found I wasn’t so worried about being on the wrong page. The weight started to lift and now I don’t feel it all the time.

Next year I get to start my next adventure and as much as I can’t wait I’ve come to love my home again. With every new journey I take I discover that my home is wherever I am. Don’t give up on loving where you are because that’s when things really get bad. So, count the days to your next adventure until you don’t need to.